Fly the Friendly Skies...

September 5, 2006

In preparation for the move, the max allowable bags for business class were packed. According to the Northwest web site, international business class allows checking two “big” 70-LB bags and one “medium” 40-LB bag in addition to the one carry-on and one personal item. Really a lot of stuff but it seemed that taking the limit would increase the number of days before doing laundry would be necessary.

However arriving at the Continental check-in and putting my first 68.5 LB bag on the scale I was cheerily informed that my bag was overweight. Equally cheerily, I informed the person behind the counter that surely they must have been jesting because I had just checked baggage limits and reweighed my bags just that morning. “Oh no”, she chirped, “The limit has been 50 lbs. for years now”. Nevertheless, for a mere $25, I would be allowed to put my bag on board and would that be cash or credit? At that point, she became somewhat flustered at finding that not only did I have one overweight bag, but two plus an addition illegal 3rd bag. After confirming the fullness of my bag o’ sins, I repeated what I knew to be the baggage regulations but said; “it doesn’t really matter, just put it on my credit card”. However, after a short private company consult behind the counter, suddenly my bags were magically “good to go” without further expense.

Security was a joy, with the TSA (Thousands Standing Around) gleefully pulling everything out of my carry-ons and individually swabbing and testing for explosives each and every one of the cameras and pieces of electronic equipment jammed in my luggage. Fortunately, no hand lotion was found and I was eventually allowed to collect my bags, clothing and what little remained of my dignity.

All seemed well at the gate until it was announced that the flight would be “slightly delayed”. After a “slight delay” of 40 minutes, we took off and arrived in not so beautiful Newark only about 20 minutes late. Unfortunately, this had eaten into my meager 1-hour layover and unbeknownst to yours truly, my next flight was in a different terminal, which in Newark means going through security yet again. My flight was not listed on the departure boards so I was left to take the crap shoot of just changing terminals to the Northwest terminal where I was sure it would be obviously displayed on the “Departing Flights” screen. NOT! Not to be thwarted, I went past my fellow travelers to the front of the NW check-in line and inquired as to the gate and was politely informed that it was Gate 42.

Making my way to the obligatory security line for my terminal, I found to my dismay that the line stretched “all the way to Terre Haute”. Hearing NW page me for the second time, I asked the person in front of me if I could get in front of them as my flight was leaving, to which he replied, “are you asking just me or everybody in front of me?” “Just you," I replied and walked to the front of the line where one of the Thousands was standing guard to ensure that no Gatorade would pass on his watch. Pleading earnestly to be submitted to x-ray, cavity search or whatever pleasure he desired just to try to make my flight, I was met with an “I don’t know, originally this flight was leaving in an hour…” “Well, they just paged me for the second time so I need to go”, I replied, and asked the two in the front of the line if they minded if I put my carry-ons on the belt. I watched as the Thousands proceeded to again prod, swab and poke each and every thing in my bags. Eventually, I made my way to the gate with much confidence as it was obvious that the plane had not yet left only to be told that the flight was closed and the boarding ramp had been pulled back. Pleading was to no avail and eventually found that my luggage was not on board either. 20 minutes later, the plane was pushed back and 30 minutes later I had another flight to Amsterdam where I would be able to meet my original flight to Dubai and, supposedly, my checked luggage.